Monday, April 25, 2011

fut-the-wuck

Okay, the title is just some catchy phrase I caught from Gossip Girl episode. Epic, eh?
Recently I experience mid-life crisis, ha-ha, as in fut-the-wuck am I doin here? This is so boring and exhausting and no longer exciting as I thought it would be.. hence the all traveling plans I made.. for the sake of making some refreshment out of my life. Like a candy box.

But then, I face another dilemma. Here comes new engagement, considerably different from my old assignment, and it grab my interest right away. I work with different people, I work with self-motivating coach-wannabe, I work within alien culture (which is totally clashing with my day-to-day working habit) and yes I discover new excitement.

Alas, I grew this signature-of-stress-disease, pimples, oh-nooo.. that is one ultimate sign that I have been stressed out too much. So I self-reflected (again) and I got confused. Do I wanna do this or not? Please wucking made up your mind, girl!

Making small talks with friends always ended up with me thinking alone in my tiny-cubicle-piece-of-mind. Please emphasize on the word alone cause lately I don't feel like sharing too much. So yes, I'm a bit of those loner looney girl in the corner, silently watching and keeping up smiles appearance once in a while (if applicable).

So, I dun know where to start. The current trend is for people leaving their current job, looking for a better future, and always ended up in asking me, "Don't you wanna move on with your career?". And I would smile and say no. Or maybe just grin. Hahahahaha.. I don't wanna move on with my career cause I don't think I'm liking my current career path.

I have this small dream, which required TONS of initial commitment and money (duh!), and sometimes I looked back and wondered, why the heck didn't I go after my lunatic impulse when I was in high school?

Talking about impulse, I suffer from some kind of soul-deprivation for impulsion. Meaning that I crave (hard) for that impulsive action, impulsive buying, impulsive thinking, impulsive talking.. any kind of impulsive things. Ha-ha. But I cannot do it too often since people slash friends already mocking me a lot about that.

You know the feeling when you just imagine you would slapped someone so hard right at that moment.. or if my example was too extreme.. kiss that someone right away? Yeah, that kind of strong impulse. I don't really like to think too much, thus the short-term memory pandemic I've strongly inhabit in couple of these years.

I have not much of interest seeing people having a hard time to made up their mind -whether they want to buy this or that, whether they want to break up or continue the relationship, whether they want to stay or leave, whether they like it or not- it's just damn too tiring.

But still, I sometimes refrain myself from those impulsive action, hence the slo-mo attitude. So sad thinking that I gradually loosing friends because of that. Hmm.. should re-check my calendar once again and see if there's somebody canceling their friendship with me.

Anywaaaay.. this impulsive intuition really brought people close to me rolling their eyes out and sometimes saying things that really.. they shouldn't have said altogether.. Since when does it become their problem whether I choose to do this and not that, to buy this and not that, to say this and not that?

Yes, I'm much more sensitive nowadays compared to those years back then. Words can stung, I know. I used to choose to ignore it and have a laugh at it, but at times I get really tired and bark back. And I'm sad, cause some people then started to stay away cause (I think they think) I can't be that type of friend any longer.

Hmmm... what's all this gotta do with my mid-life crisis blog post theme?

Uhm.. uhm.. so yeah.. let's just list all my impulsive action nowadays, and we'll start working from there (red: quoting the infamous coach-wannabe work colleague of mine)
1. Buying without thinking. Yeah, no argue at this point.
2. Traveling without well-made plans. Suuurree..
3. Saying things without thinking, resulting in people reaalllyy considering everything before they make any move. No fun in that, honestly..
4. Meeting up with my brother and planning for a family-vacation. Yay!
5. and the list when blank

See.. no wonder I craved this impulsive action a lot more.. so why don't I start it with a change of career path? xP Yeah, no guts..

0 tasted the wine: