My Dearest Mind

My state of mind these days is amazingly random and volatile. I often overthink about things I usually never think about. I was bothered by things that normally wouldn't bother me at all. I snapped out often, and thanks to the life coach training I took years ago, I am very much aware of the different emotions passing through my mind, even at present times. I can feel my blood is rushing, my heart is beating faster and the cold dark vengeance is running through my vein.

Whenever I feel a bit stressed out, I am acutely aware of how I breathe. I can feel the way I inhale and exhale, and sometimes the sound of it soothes me. I am also more aware of how my stress triggered my gout, or how it made my head ache. I can feel the panic attack whenever it started to rise, and how I just breathe and think of something else to take my mind out of it.

I got upset over immaterial topic and not even a valid source of concern. Once I had doubts about my leadership skill and whether I can lead or not. When I told my SO about it, he carefully asked me, "Are you sure?". I told my boss about it and he straight away laughed, "You have got to be kidding me, you're the last person I'd say to not have the leadership quality." That both calmed me and made me more anxious. That was when I realized I was in a negative headspace. A myth I often read about but never personally experience.

My friend once told me about this growth mindset vs fixed mindset, and by the love of God, I am 100% sure that I am having Fixed Mindset all the way through. I had doubts about my competency. I had doubts about my social skill. I had doubts about my ability to survive if I let go of my work. I am sure I am nobody without the job title. And that I will crumble and die miserably if I took gap year and no companies would hire me back.

That is one of my biggest insecurity of all time. Not be able to make a living to support me and my family.

I lost my mother couple of months ago. These symptoms were getting worse after that, because I realize I have her as my sole purpose of working hard. As long as I supported her needs, enabled her to travel to places she wanted, get her things she wanted, I am able to handle all hardships that comes with my job. I am so used to dismiss the thought of pursuing my master degree, or just to take a break and travel, because I am worried about the income. I still am.

I am at this crossroad of finding what I want to do with my life.

Why am I here in this world?

What is my life purpose?

Do I even have one?

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