Monday, November 12, 2007

I say maybe

Yesterday I cracked open. It's like this whole bunch of my self defense, my belief, and my safety nets was being torn open, widely to the unknown world called reality. Well yes, finally reality
let herself in to my, unguarded and indiscreet, life. Sometimes I just hate reality. Especially when reality tells me that I need to go to the medical center. Reality sucks!

And so does hospital. Really loathe them. I truly have no intention to step my feet on that building if it wasn't for an emergency cases. Like having a minor heart attack.

Which I didn't have, of course. Thank God! I just happen to suffer an iterative dry cough that apparently time will heal, and for that conclusion, I got to spent nearly 300 grand for a specialist doctor.

Wherein I didn't really mind, since he's a very nice and gentlemen doctor, quite as old as my grandfather (the one who suggested me to take a thorax rontgen) and has a kind personality to explain to me everything I want and need to know 'bout my illness, that and the fact that my company actually reimbursing my medical expenses =P

Well, my medical check went on like a lecture session actually. I asked a lot, bicker a few, and he replied quite plenty too, like the fact that I persisted upon a thorax examination. That's funny, I
was like this demon that persevered that I was heavily under the weather while he, on the other side, strongly suggested that it's not such a major concern. He even finally gave me a prescription of a cough suppressant capsule with additional note, "Take this ONLY when you really need it." Then it's being repeated by the pharmacy by writing it on the package - BILA PERLU - And not to mention he also he gave me the name card, so that my grandfather could distinguish who is this “dreadful doctor” who stood firm against my will to have a thorax rontgen =D

Geez!

Well, it's not like what you think. We're basically not in dispute; we're more like friend-talking. He smiled a lot and he even told me the legend of 'The Wisdom Teeth'. Hehehehehehe... It appeared that mine hasn't grown completely yet, and thus I still didn't earn to be called 'wise'. Which is so not true. I'm a hell of a wise girl =P

Ah, that's it. Going to the doctor turned out to be NOT that gloomy, or is it maybe because I visited the pricey one? Hahahahaha... *stres*

I do still think I got a lot more of health problems in me, say heart disease carried on from my father, cholesterol in my body, my frequent headache or maybe diabetes for having so much bloody sugar in my life. But let me rest my case. I'd love to have a fine and fun life, while for the time being claimed hale and hearty by this brand doctor.

Speaking of which, I just recently watched the movie EVAN ALMIGHTY –I know, I'm way far behind, so sue me– and I found it very amusing. That's one gigantic superb of a good story. The
question being asked in the movie hit me straight to the point.

If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient?
If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunity to be courageus?
If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm and fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other?

Okay, let's just say I was in a pretty bad shape after the scene, but in real world I never really thought for it that way. I mean, yes I know courage and love and patience does not abruptly
emerge from out of nowhere, but many times I prayed for junk stuff like ‘Give us Your mercy, health and happiness to go through the next day' or something like that without really comprehended that God IS doing His own way to provide things I needed the most. I pray for a daily routine, and you know when something is done habitually it will get lesser meaning *in my very humble opinion though*. Praying will be much more like a tradition, eating will be less pleasing, and working will be dull.

Maybe it's just me, but I am sucks at living my life. I may not be like others out there who enjoy their daily routine that happily or savour every meaning of every breath of their life, or even have a good life to live. My life is as tedious as I could tell, and by that I refer to my working life. Maybe my health problem is more psyche problem. Maybe I've had enough sitting on that very same project from the first I got in till this very moment. Maybe I'm just sick of doing this never-ending job while others could go in and out my team every time they feel like it. Maybe I'm just jealous. Yes, maybe I'm just jealous.

Or maybe God is giving me the opportunity to toughen my forbearance? An opportunity to prove to myself that I'm as tough as I thought I was? As tough as someone thought I was?

But that is just maybe.

0 tasted the wine: