Mama

Yesterday I had a consultation session with my psychologist and we talked about the comment I made of roles of a woman, roles of me: as a sister, as a wife, as a daughter and as a mom. And the fact that I am no longer assume two of those roles, which made me blue a bit especially about the part of no longer being a daughter. She encouraged me to explore why I feel the way I feel and lo and behold, I did made a writing about it approximately a month after her death.

And here we go…

5 May 2020

I still have pang of guilt and hurt feeling of missing someone sometimes at night (or in the middle of the day) when I remembered my mom.

I really really wish she is in peaceful place right now, free of pain and happy with all of our loved ones, including my dad. 

Even at this age, I am sometimes still not sure how to proceed life without the comfort of knowing that my mom is still there, ready to take my call anytime anywhere. I still have that realization feeling at times that now I will not be able to get her random things from my trips, or to take her call just to told me to be grateful, or to hear her nagging me to go to Church, or to argue with her about things, or to ask her how to tend to my future children. She may not be a perfect mom, but she was good to me, to all of her children. And that is enough. 

When we combed through her stuff, sometimes I felt like I never know some part of her life, especially when she was young. We never talked about it. Or maybe, when she talked about it, I brushed it off. We may not talk about financial thing, about health thing, about private things as often as we should, and I remembered feeling curious on how can we survive with her having no steady income. But she apparently was a meticulous person, who was always saving money whenever she can. She never ask for anything throughout her life, except for that one thing, one trip to Jerusalem and that hurts me when I remembered it. So, yes, everything about her passing still pains me. But that is my treasured feeling, because that means I still can picture her clearly in my mind. 

 I hope she has no regrets in her life, because what we are right now, it is all because of her. 

 I love you, ma, we all do. Rest in peace and till we meet again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Cross the Road in Margonda

Image
Somebody should publish this kind of booklet long before I even got enrolled in University of Indonesia. Duh! 1. If there's eventually a traffic light for passerby, please DO pay attention. It's not there for decoration purpose (only). I once got scolded for crossing the street when it's still a no-go on the traffic light. The thing is, I was so touched by the fact that he even noticed the traffic light (when many people don't). Since then, if possible, I'll wait for it to go-green before crossing the street. 2. Never run, you idiot! Not only you scared other people who's crossing the street with you, you'd also scare the car and motorbike's driver. Not to mention you may slip and fall, and God knows what could be happening next. 3. Motorbike is always winning. Plus they have this weird reflex to accelerate the speed or suddenly forgetting the brake function whenever they saw someone who's about to cross the street. Yes, I know, it sucks. But...
Read more

Marathon

Image
There are tons of series that I watched in the past couple of weeks since I have to burn 'em all to free some space in my computer. Hence, there’s a mixed (and matched) feeling goin on. Well, I started with Criminal Minds season 5, 'fcourse, and as always, after being too long on hiatus with this series, watching it again is like having a dejavu sensation of this creepy and obsession feeling all over. I nearly forgot how cruel its episodes could be. And yes, Reed (Matthew Gray-Gubler) is the director for episode 16. Oh that sweet guy... Then, moving forward, I gulped down House MD season 6. Well, House MD is always such an entertainment for twisted mind like mine, so yeah I adore that actually-pretty-perfect-husband-material series. Hahahaha, this old bastard is smart, can cook, play the instrument, ride the big fiasco of a motorcycle, acquire odd sense of humor, brutally honest, wickedly playful, and is an eye-candy. The only downsize is that he's such an ass. Like previ...
Read more

Dolphin Racing in Kiluan

Image
Okay, that was one awesome experience! It started with tweet-talks, you know, the kind with no-action-tweet-only conversation? HAHAHAHAHAHA, so I’m pretty impressed with the result. It gathers six different people, from different working hours and different working places and from different crowd, with only one tiny history-relationship.. college mate. Persiapan traveling paling parah seumur hidup, secara yaa even pas H-1 aja masih ngga jelas siapa jemput siapa di mana naik apa. JRENG JRENG! Paling banter yang udah dibeli adalah tiket bus Jakarta – Lampung seharga IDR 150.000 untuk periode embarkasi *halah* jam 9 malem. Juragan Arab di Lampung sana udah wanti-wanti, kalo jam 9 malem berangkat dari Jakarta, paling jam 5 pagi dah nyampe Lampung, so there’s plenty of time to spend to have (early) breakfast and berangkat ke teluk Kiluan. Alas, the damn bus got lost in translation (._.) Instead of following the normal route as usual, he decided to sharpen his skill in driving through extrem...
Read more